It works in the beginning, but it doesn't work in the end
Day 28 - 31 daily tips for staying sober through Dry January
There’s a quote from Steven Tyler about his addiction that got me thinking a lot today:
“What happens with using is: it works in the beginning, but it doesn't work in the end.”
I remember my first pill. A clutch of us trek from Exeter to Bristol to see Princess Superstar (she of “Bad Babysitter” fame), and my birthday present is a gig ticket and an ecstasy tablet. It’s a wild rollercoaster of feelings – a glitter explosion bursting in my head and chest. A night of young hearts taking on the world, seeking out new joys and finding togetherness through shared first experiences.
We end up on the tour bus for a while after the show and, deciding the night should never end, we plot to go to the Cardiff show the next day. We crash on a university dorm floor. My friend runs out of cash and has to go home, so at the merch desk we ask Concetta (Princess Superstar) if she’ll call Sam to say “Hi”. She does. It’s a beautiful moment. He is over the moon that a bona fide pop star has rung him up, and dines out on the story for weeks. We are put on the guest list for London and head to Fabric the next day. It’s a magical, sleepless adventure.
Fast forward to 2010 and I’m sat in a dank student flat. Ashtrays brimming over with cigarette ends, the dull thud of a house beat ever present, I’m swigging budget vodka from a dirty mug to take the edge off a come down. I think I’m having a lucid conversation but when I ask why there’s water running down the walls and no-one else can see it, I know I’m not in a good place.
“It works in the beginning, but it doesn’t work in the end.”
I kicked drugs. Alcohol would stay with me for a few years still.
I wouldn’t take back those early nights of reckless abandon for a second. I hadn’t thought about the impromptu Princess Superstar tour for years, but now the fond memories are flooding back.
I look to the nights after it all stopped working without shame. I am sad for my former self that I didn’t have the self-love and wherewithal to escape that pit sooner, but every decision I made got me to where I am today and I’m happy.
If any of this resonates then try to remember those times for what they were, without guilt or self-loathing. Barely out of my teens, I was just pushing doors to see what was behind them, exploring who I was and who I might be.
There’s no shame in that.
Nailed it (again), Tim.... so true - that lack of 'self love' lies at the heart of addictions of all kind (alcohol just one of those). Thank you.
I was just thinking about that song today! So weird.